Feelings

I must say.....
Your smile is contagious
Your laugh is symphony to the lobes

I must say.....
Your lies are believable
Your deceit is convincing

I must confess.....
You never listen when its my turn to talk
You only love the sound of your own voice

I must confess.....
I hate your confidence
I curse your fearless stance

I cried today!
Why you ask? Because i thought of you!

I had regrets today!
For what you ask? Because I believed everything you said was true!

I  reminisced today!
Of what you ask? Of the times i would get lost in your every word. You gave me a sense of belonging a sense of worth. But then you took it all away!

I wished upon a star today!
What did you wish for you ask? Even though i respect the decision you made, even when it caused me pain. I still wish nothing but the best for and nothing less for you! Because unlike you i truly cared!

I had a dream today!
About what you ask? I dreamt about what life would be like, if i were her and she wasn’t me because my soul wouldn’t want anyone to experience the amount of disappointment i felt, yet I wonder how she feels know your hers and she gained you. I dreamt of you!

I struggled today!
What did you struggle about you ask? I struggle with the acceptance of the truth. The heart is a game to win & unless you are victorious, you struggle. I struggle!

Im closing the door!
What door are you closing you ask? The door that flood my mind woth consistant reminders that i failed. I wasn't victorious. Now what!

Im done!

Thanks

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. Thanks for the foreign personality
Thanks for the decreasing doubt
Thanks for the honesty
Thanks for the drying of tears
Thanks for the restatement of sleep
Thanks for the recent truth
Thanks for the protective soul
Thanks for the dignity
Thanks for the resentment
Thanks for the attention
Thanks for the fear
Thanks for the attempt
Thanks for the reassurance
Thanks for the reconstruction
Thanks for the lessons on life
Thanks for the lack of a final goodbye
Thanks for being thankful for joy!

Slow start

For the past 10months I have been tip toeing around the true issue. I have allowed myself to be consumed by the false impression that I can continue to live the way I want. I have dragged my body through denial because my heart is deducted from passion. I ask myself everyday:

 "what are you living for?" 

"Why do you love so reckless when luck hasn't loved you?" 

All of which I'm too embarrassed to admit. I fear change! I'm scared that I will begin to diminish from the true person I have built myself up to be. 

I'm scared to ask for help. 

So for the next 6 weeks I have decided to slowly begin to move into a better spiritual acceptance of myself. I realize that I can set goals, deadlines and milestones, but how can I truly benefit from any of those expectations, if my heart doesn't have a buy-in. So I have decided to start slow. So I start my journey here. My expectations are those I hold pure to the cavity of my heart. 

May my journey bring: 

Spiritual wellness 

Physical enhancement 

Mentally growth 

Internal peace  

Chapter 1: the introduction to me

Mikeyonna 

dear self

Love not only the parts you are in control of. But cherish those flaws that you are never going to change. 

The battle was lost

I have spent the last 6 months trying to convince myself it didn't matter. But I have yet to succeed. I'm still experiencing aftershocks as a result of the initial quake... 

Dreams do come true... Living in my faith

Just a glimpse through my eyes 

Internally my heart smiles at the 

Sight/sound or udder of your name. 

Is that bad? 

Should I let my soul intervene?? 

Thank you for my smile  

Missing something???

Tonight... I feel like I'm missing my friend. I miss the laughs, I miss the voice... It wasn't much I know, but enough to know. Sucks doesn't it... But I have to trust in GODS plans for me 

Happy birthday grandmother

As the dust settles

The period of total shock, embarrassment & disappointment is starting to slowly fade, which leaves room for reality to enter.  

What I thought would be a perfect journey has hit a dead end. The reality is, I encountered another failed attempt at what I so patiently yet anticipated. 

Feeling some type of way.. 

**investments** my 1:45am thoughts

Love is one of the biggest investments & challenges one can have in their life time (in my opinion) most of us spend a large portion of our lives trying to figure it out. It's a journey as a single individual who is truly interested in falling/being & staying in love. I have been told monetary items are, but I disagree. When you have desire to love, there are so many risk factors to dating & trusting that you are picking the right one & if not, there's the results of disappointment, heart break which can really hurt you emotionally, physically & breaks you spiritually. Every time you decide to re-enter the race after a unsuccessful attempt, it seems your value begins to decrease. Love is a great investment that isn't guaranteed to pay off. Especially in a generation where the value has depreciated down to the bare minimum. So what does that do to the hopefuls? 

I pray that those who have accomplished the element of finding the person they are in love with, they stay & continue to love. Don't give up/ don't take for granted. Invest what you can, because the pool of success is rough. Hope there is still hope... Just my thoughts   

Tricks

Mentally your questioning 

Physically your tired 

Emotionally your broken 

Spiritually your hopefully 

Verbally your fine 

Realistically you made it thru the worst of times 

Never doubt your life ❤️

Feet returning to the ground. But can I sleep please. I just want to sleep

For one.. It's the sigh of relief while moving on. For the other, it's the tightening of the lungs to force another breath trying to understand. 

Crying out to GOD just to be able to sleep thru the night, but thoughts and dismay cloud the room. 

Pretending it's okay, won't make the disappointment go away. 

No more please LORD, I pray! Please NO MORE. It kinda hurts. 

I hope it's okay to cry over disappointment. I remained hopeful as I prayed. Maybe I didn't pray hard enough. 

Cherish those

My quote

Love your self enough to know when to move on.... 

Getting comfortable w/ me

I'm learning to value me just a little more than I do others 

Stepping into a fantasy

Imagination is something that is rare

Looking into false standards of what 

Life should be, creates a false disappointment. Reality gives a believable understanding of what to expect. Imagination sets undetermined expectations, healthy or not! I'm living in my fantasy of my future with no limitations of what could be. 

I'm excited 😃 

Hear me NOW

Don't be scaaaared 

Part 2 daddy's Lil girl

Part 2 

I would like to recognize my relationship with my dad, as not being a negative effect on my life. This has actually been my biggest confirmation about GOD steadying grace. Although my father wasn't there for me during those vital years in my life. I learned not to harbor I'll feelings. In the moments that mattered the most, I lacked him presence. I have held my share of heart breaking moments. I have felt my share of pain & had my times of waste. BUT it's what the future holds that matters for the past. 

THE TURN AROUND. 

Now that I am a full adult, I must say. My father has really done so well in restoring our relationship. I am so thankful to GOD for renewing my heart and soul. He has really worked on myself and my dad. Now the tears I shed are of pure joy. He has truly put forth a n amazing effort to rebuild what was lost. The things i missed, im getting back at a adult level. now we dont go more than a few days without talking, he sends me encouragement texts & calls almost every morning. The genuine aspect of a father & daughter relationship is there. It brings me so much joy, to know I have a healthy relationship with my dad. Truth is, the past can not be changed BUT the future can be created. I thank GOD I was raised to forgive, restore & move on. I love my father more than I can express. I never looked for a avenue to blame or speak negative about my dad. no! Excuses aren't acceptable. And because of that We have a beautifully developing relationship as of today. I feel like everyday we are learning each other. I often think, what would it be like if we never had to restore & things were never broken? But, as of now! I know he is really trying and I feel like a daughter again. I couldn't ask for more of a developing relationship with him. I am a prime example of what forgiveness and lack of holding bitterness can produce. I'm using my lack of relationship as a growing woman on my daddy issues or my choice in bad relationships on my daddy issues. HELL NO. Because its not.