~~I open my heart~~

I have been away too long, My life has been so busy and because of that I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed again. Why do I stop writing when I know that when i bottle up my emotions I began to weight myself down. So I'm at that point again. So here goes

~~I open my heart~~

On a recent mini vacation, I was given the opportunity to sit in silence for a a period of 4+ hours, which was perfect for my soul. I sat back looking at a road of very little scenery. I began to think about the most important things I have going on in my life at this very time. Why do i fear so much in life? I have been on a constant road of wonder about this. Everything that has gone wrong or will go wrong in my life has been a direct result of my fears. I have prayed for some type of bravery, something that will allow me or help me become fearless. God, I'm losing everything that is great in my life being cautious. I was given three major opportunities this year along, all of which i barely missed out on because of fear. I will admit that much of my happiness has come on pure consumption of the love of the most amazing man I have ever been in contact with. The funny thing is because of a instant burst if bravery that i had over a year ago is the reason for. (side giggle to self) I continue to remind myself that nothing great comes without a struggle or trials & tribulations. Its funny because I called my first love my first love because I knew that I was in love, but to be honest after feeling everything that i feel now, I was totally thrown off. Because this actually seems to be the most amazing feeling I have ever felt. And whats even better is when i look at him, i cant help but to smile, so when i call myself being upset I have to avoid eye contact or leave because I would totally contradict myself if i put on a huge smile, but saying I'm mad..( haha) My biggest fear ( there goes that words again) is losing him. my HOPES are that he trust me, i want him to be able to know that no matter what we go thru or faced with, Im not going to give up & i want him to know that everything i say & do comes from a pure heart that I was blessed with. I can count on as many fingers as the entire population of the world has combined how many times I have been so grateful that God has blessed me. I seat last night watching " a Diary of a angry black man" and i cant help to admit that I display some of the traits that black men claimed to be wrong with a black woman. I silently began to cry to myself, So does this mean I'm in jeopardy of losing him? You really don't know what to expect when being in a relationship, I think that's why i so scared. So many stories about people falling in & out of love its so scary. I have bury myself in so much fear and worry when we have the slightest disagreement. Because at any moment I fear he will call it quits. So how do i love away from this fear?
My insecurities are showing more than ever. I had a great opportunity to pursue a small modeling gig. I never doubted that i was pretty, but i just felt I didn't have what it took to be in such a high quality field. My unique personality is one that is to be learned and seen through experience, I'm not sure being unique the way that i am, comes out in photos or through my personal appearance. Some people have to have a special talent. It was so hard for me to believe that i could be a raw talent. It just isn't in me.
All in all, I have allowed myself to be taken over by fear. I fear so much and hold confidence in very little, but how do I change that?
So, to reflect on my feelings I play " Her Heart" Anthony HAmilton ( a song that always has tears burning the back of my eyes,, when I play it) and i allow the tears to guide me through. & i end with a simple prayer. " Lord just make everything okay, whether I overcome my fears or not. I am eger to become SIMPLY just a happy person, Im not asking for the world at my feet, just to be happy, let your will be done, Amen"