That's all

Scared of the future
Living in the now
Running from the past...

But a still photo says "I love him & can't help it"

Listening to my mind & not my heart

I am beyond overwhelmed.. But I know I'm going to be okay!!

I can't under estimate the power of love. Because if you mean it when u say it. Just saying it's over won't even dent a mark in the path of getting over it, 2months into the end, will still feel
Like only 2mins have passed. I'm so scared of the idea of loving someone else. But I can't force someone to stay. I have to follow my mind & never my heart :(
Whether u empathize with me or not. The bottom line is... When your 100% In you see no repairs, you see no end of the road, you see no happiness. Until someone else comes & shows u different.

Danger around

Finally in the bed before midnight. Thank GOD, because I am so tired. I really hope I can get some good sleep tonight. But before we part for the night I want to talk about progression and success.
Sometimes it's the start of a new chapter that brings forward a drive within your soul, that pushes you to chase success. The ultimate goal of life , should be to gain as much success as one can. The first place to
Start is progression. This is something that I am realizing is missing in my personal & professional life.
In order to succeed, one must progress in positive direction. If you want to progress properly. You must be willing and able to identify those restrictions that are holding you back & be able to get rid of them. The first place to look. Is those whom have a hard time congratulating your success.. Let them go!! Once the work is done there will be a increase of positive attributes.
Ending quote:

" Progression is the work &'success is the reward.." -Mikeyonna

Good night world..

Fault was all of my own..

Up.... Working on my final for my grad class. And my current playlist favorites are:

Fell asleep for about 30mins... Now I'm up looking around. Wth. I'm not getting this whole process & why does sleep depravation have to be apart of the process.
Really??
Im starting to get pissed off night after night! It brings Tears to my eyes. Im struggling so hard to sleep at night, and it's only failed attempts. So I wake up & write. I love writing....But I'm so tired of writing about challenges I'm facing. Uuuugggghhhh I sure hope the change comes soon, because visibly I'm the only one with this issue.

Unspoken words

So this weekend was suppose to be the time that I talk to him about this major step in my life that I'm going to be making shortly. But it seems the weekend has come & gone. The conversation didn't take place. It's been my experience when the words "I need to talk you" then puts someone in a instant position of interest. So I avoid that statement, because in the nature of our state, There is so much more that needs to be discussed and worked out. So that statement would have only set the stage for something that is no where near the area in which this other news would come. Eventually it will come back to us, because this will majorly effect any future that may include us. So that puts things in a different state.

So I tried something else. I wanted to make sure I was in an environment that was comfortable to me and would cause no time constraints. So every night before bed I asked for his ear on exchange for conversation. "pillow talk" has always been our strongest quality. Sometimes at night, I wonder if that why I struggle with sleep. Because before we decided that the value of our love didn't deserve much more of our immediate attention, my sleeping nights followed our end of the night conversations. I often feel that is the missing element in the end of the night & why I'm no longer able to sleep at night. But I'm hoping this lack of sleep is just a phase in the recovery stage.

But, my request went unheard or unacknowledged. So i guess this weekend wasn't meant to be the time. I'm really not sure if the opportunity will present it self again and this is not something I feel comfortable or refuse to talk about in a rushed, over the phone, text or uncomfortable environment. So I will set the stage for my comfort & absolutely nothing less.

At the end of the day! I'm learning more about what im faced with.

But on a happier note. I just got the confirmation that I'm going to snow :) it feels good to wanna do something & actually get to do it. Progress scares me, but one thing I have never feared was success. So I proceed......

Walking in the middle of the road

Show me the path that is laid out for me. Remind me how the journey will strength my soul. Allow only those who are worthy of the steps to walk in stride towards the redemptions of it's distance. Line the path with test of dedication and storms to shower the floors as belief and faith have to carry my body safely to the finish line.

All i ask. Is the trip be worth the wait. Let the reward reign success at the soles of my feet. For the journey was long, difficult and wearing on the flesh..

These are my traveling thoughts...,
6:55pm 12/10/11

Surface pandora station is amazing... Love listening to it. It's that early 90's late 80's. I can really see myself getting lost in a great journal entry. Like now!!!

What happens when familiar becomes foreign. Close become distant. Forever becomes the limited. The future is now the past. Conversations become silent. Sweet becomes bitter. Willing becomes selfish. Joy turns to pain. Smiles start to drown in tears. Emotions become overwhelming. Passionate becomes hate. Leaps of success turn into steps of failure. Sunshine fades with the storm?

What happens is, u are now at the core of it all & love is what u still find. There is where you will build your strongest relationship. If your not tested. How will you ever know that what you have is worth fighting for?

Food for thought!!!!

Pillow talk

Missing pillow talk

Challenges

Today was such a challenging day! I was faced with a painful & difficult incident I had to address at work. Being in a position where you are faced with so many different levels, you have to expect the unexpected.
I really have a hard time understand what makes a person think abuse is okay. For an individual to inflict harm on a defenseless other, has me sick to my stomach. I can't make any assumption of what someone is capable of, even acquisitions are sick.

Whoa... What a day!!! :(

I seen her....

Lol.. So im laughing at this twitter post I read awhile back.. It's said something along the lines of: you can always tell the individual who after or in the running to place a bid on what u got ( mean ur man/woman) by the amount of status comments they leave or likes.

That's so funny! Because that just popped in my head while im sitting here at work. Im not saying it entirely true.. But that would make sense.. Lol even when you yourself are interested slighty in someone whether your trying to pursue them or not but Making your self seen is important. I know that a way I always knew who was either trying to step in my space or who actually had a foot in. Even before It was confirmed. Lol

Just a small side note for the morning <3

Revealed

Good morning....
Last night I learned a important fact about myself. As of lately, I have picked up that thing that makes me feel like I'm worth something, gives me a purpose, a piece of mind & some sanity. Writing... What more can I say! I love writing. I'm not sure why I was given this passion, but it comforts me. But these are things that I already knew. What I have learned is that, writing is helping me put my life into perspective. I'm realizing how much pain is really buried deep within. Things that I thought had vanished are now surfacing, because I have not yet dealt with them. Things that date back further than a failed relationship. I'm infamous for taking the things that are affecting me & pushing them in the back of my heart & hiding them from myself. But because they are in the cavities of my heart. I may not be able to see them but I can definitely feel them.
Life hasn't been my strongest task, I rarely tell people how I feel. I reject a familiar face in fear it will fade with time. I lack affection, because I don't know it. I suffer from neglect of being treasured. I overly shower others with gifts, support & love because I fear the day another feels a ounce of what I allow myself to feel because I restrict myself from Receiving from others.

So what do you tell a person like me. it's not something that is deadly, but what I feel restricts me from enjoying life entirely. Many look at the external and see someone who has it all together. But truth is.... I only appear externally what I strive to be internally. Im writing more and more daily, trying to drag out all the insecurities, self- doubt, imperfections and hurt, So I continue to write......

Only on the time

I wonder why do people only call to talk to you when they are having a problem. I mean don't get me wrong, I will be the first person to extent myself to someone in their time of need. But I also would like to get a call simply just to see how my day is going or to chat a little about the good life. Yeah text messages are okay! But it seems good news comes thru text for a brief moment & bad news comes thru a long depress phone conversation. I guess that's the norm now days! It's becoming more of a trend to engage in text interaction then I would be real time. I really would appreciate our society becoming more compassionate for one another. A phone call & the sound of a voice can be very therapeutic. <3

That is all!! My thoughts

Blast of the past

Well I'm up with a monster and my paper. But unfortunately I'm sitting here with 1st degree burns on my index & thumb... OUCH!!! it hurt so bad I can't even concentrate.

Got a surprise phone call tonight from Ex. I wasnt expecting that at all. It was really good hearing from him. He is actually a good ex, u know the ones you don't mind talking too. We enjoyed a hour long conversation. The thing I most enjoy about him in general is the amount of respect he has for me. We have been apart for at least 6-7 years but he still has so much respect and holds me fairly high. It's always great to know that a person values the person you are. I am so thankful that I'm often reminded that It's okay to interact with ppl of your past. Heck he & I even became Facebook friends today!
So after all that! I still have nothing on my notebook towards my paper... Smh

Well thanks Frankie for good convo, & now i am off too attempt to write this paper :(
Goodnight loves <3

Flying with time

What a week!!! I'm sitting here with a 10-14 page paper to do, decisions to make, a heart to mend, bills to pay, work in the morning and I'm writing.. With all that, I'm escaping & writing. Because the context of the information I'm writing about is more private than I can allow myself to post on this blog. I couldn't neglect the walls of this online blog. So I leave you with this:

A sudden brush of sound fills my ears. I'm escaping the reality of life & drowning my ears with the sounds of melody. Thank heavens for iPods. The noise in lyrics that is currently playing is as follows.....


I thought that things like this get better with time
But I still need you, why is that?
You're the only image in my mind
So I still see you... around

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away. I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

Words don't ever seem to come out right
But I still mean them, why is that?
It hurts my pride to tell you how I feel
But I still need to, why is that?

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
I said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same?

It don't matter who you are
It's so simple, a feeling
But it's everything
No matter who you love
It is so simple, a feeling
But it's everything

Love this song

I was going to write my own words tonight. But I'm really not feeling it. So I'm laying in bed listening to music instead.

Beyonce- Broken-hearted Girl lyrics

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love enough to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you

But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

Secret admirer

I'm so deeply in love with words. I don't know when I became so attached to them. But the difference between a horrible day & a decent one. Words are the best

Turning blk roses red 

I'm really battling whether straddling the fence Is something that is self soothing or internal bruising. All in all
Meaning, is being in between make things better for the moment or worst for the long run! A few days ago, I made a step forward, it felt very uncomfortable. But one good advice of mine that I have often shared & now I'm deciding to give it to me: something only feels right when it's become routine. But just because it feels right doesn't make it right. At right now, California feels right because it's been home to me for my entire life. So of course u feel a little uncomfortable. At the end of the day, what is left here for me? True my family is here! But they have strong foundations, they will always be here. I was advised to follow love & since I have no physical sign of love to follow, I will follow what I love to do in my passion.
One of the worst thing a individual can do, is fear success. Over all the things I do fear, success is NOT one. I am determine to make do with what I can do. Anything else will lead you to a pack of lies and defeat. It's funny because a few nights ago, someone I have trusted told me a lie, and it was a little simple lie. Something so small it could have actually been avoided even being told. I didn't even entertain it by calling them out or even responding to it. I just said "thnx" and never addressed it after. I was really disappointed by the effort to tell such a pointless lie & blow all your credibility on something that small. that really was my determine factor on taking that step & shortly after I read this quote:

"A lie is still a lie, regardless of the reason behind it. You can say you did it for a good cause but the point is, you still did it."

Understanding that people are out for self and others last, makes it easier to determine whether you should do something for the good of others or the best of yourself.

That's my time... Happy Sunday 

Asking for life

Living is a task. I'm trying to do so much, but there is so much that I don't understand. I want to do the new update on my phone But I'm clueless. I wanna learn to budget & save money! Yesterday I went to the store alone & as I was walking back to my car I was thinking to myself " this is not a good idea at all. A man doesn't make you invincible, but would give someone a second thought if they were thinking about kidnapping me" lol evening paying bills. Who invented bills lol! But all in all. I'm doing the best I know how to do. I guess I'll be fine. Once I get a hold of how to live life & survive. Lol

Back to what I know

It's been a while since I have set down and wrote. I have been so preoccupied with the wonders of life, that I have forgotten my release therapy. Well here goes a quick poem that I'm currently constructing in my head:

The form of a shape in which I admire
Mimics the heart
The sound of the tune I follow
Releases the pressure
The journey of the struggle I endure
Shadows my soul.
The size of the appetite I feed
Satisfies the hunger I bare
Living in fear
Will only shade success

Thank you to tonights audience. My GOD provide peace and harmony. Until next time. GOOD NIGHT LOVE BUGS <3

Forgiveness & the truth

Finding forgiveness for ones mistakes, takes the truth. Understanding that a mistake is nature & the truth is learned. You cant communicate properly what you don't truly feel. I struggle with identifying ones truth with their mistakes. I often search for the evidence of a lie. But what you seek, you shall find! This is a truth that has yet failed.