refresh & move on

In the last moments of 2012, I decided to take a long hot shower! I considered this to be my cleanse and prep for 2013. I wanted to wash and rinse all the negative from 2012 off and start the new year with a fresh body! As the water hit my skin I imaged certain painful events, words or experiences wash of me. I will not set new year resolutions but I will promise myself happiness 😊 thank god for mercy & grace

Softly appearing

I just got so angry!!! I guess it's another emotion in the process. I'm just a little angry right now!

Fumbled

Thank you Trey Songz "Fumble" for the re-new of this headspace lol 👎 but I must say its getting easier! And for that I'm grateful! 😊

I smile

I smile because I know! Girls are born everyday, but a women has to be made! ❤

To whom may be healed

Healing, isn't the easiest road but is the most necessary journey one must take in their lives. You owe it to yourself, you owe it to your past as well as your future. Holding on to open scars will never benefit your happiness. Their is so much more to life than living in agony. Reach your highest potential of enjoyment by living a full life of repair.

Believe it

This is something I wish I didn't know anything about

Seeing double

As I watch history repeat its self! I had to stop and ask myself

"Is the fight for 1mans heart, worth the sacrifice of the right mans love"- Mikeyonna

The answer is NO. So with that, I'm moving on

Attacks

Today... My heart hurts! I'm in so much pain. At what point does love lost not hurt this bad. I'm sure this re-opening of the pain came from my emotional connection with something I was watching earlier.
I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of feeling like I have to somehow keep things together for the sake of everyone else. I'm trying to prevent myself from doing or saying something that I will regret in the morning...
I can definitely see now how people can result to alcohol to easy the pain... I just want something to numb it... Writing is something I have tried to avoid because I don't want written evidence that I failed at being loved.
I know there are many cases of even more horrible heartbreaks than mine, but for me. This is the worst, so I keep to myself about it, because I don't want to be judged.
So I took myself away from everyone. And spent some time alone. Shed some tears, cry out loud and reevaluate what it is I really want, and what am I really doing. I been in love with this man for a few years now! And somehow my heart is having the worst time letting go, now that he loves no less it seems.
I think it's me.. Maybe I'm the hard one to deal with, maybe I'm unloveable. Maybe I'm lacking the quality that attracts love.. I'm sick at the thought. I'm no longer the first one he thinks about when he rises in the morning or the thought through out the day. More so I'm no longer the last thing on his mind. My well being isn't priority, the nature of my day doesn't matter, the taste of my kisses aren't sought out by his lips. The sound of my voice doesn't lift a smile of his heart or soul..
I have been defeated and love has vanished.. Will the attacks of a heartache ever go away?

Just want I needed

Just what was meant for me to hear in my current head space...

I'm so confused right now! As much as I'm in love with him, Something is telling my heart. The time has come to let it go.
I don't hear/feel/or see his into presence anymore. I have to woman up and except those things I have no control over. GOD I wish I had known how much physical hurt & pain I'm feeling right now! My heart is so weak. I'm so broken! How do I rebuild? Please! Someone? Anything? You can offer will truly help me to figure this out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkrOc_W4jdk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

My thoughts only

Attention: there is a epidemic of half-ass parenting on the rise...
The other day i cried on the thought that I maybe soon faced with the option of me having children being taken away. But maybe the blessing in that, is why bring in the world a child whom I know will receive unconditional love, care & nurture. When I Could possibly take a less fortunate child and give them a real chance....

It's sad I have to write such a negative post, but it seems there is a really bad rise of parents either NOT doing their jobs or half-assing it. And the blame is not fully on men, because it seems it's more "mothers" playing the deadbeat role lately. Smh when you are paying more money into your hair, make-up, outfits, shoes etc then your child's appearance. Your A deadbeat. If helping your girlfriend with her relationship problems is more important than helping that child with hw. There is a problem. Spending more time away from your children than you do your Facebook app, the club, or kicking it. There is a problem. HELLO, where is your child? Cussing your children out before you will even speak-up to a another adult. There is a problem. Why take all your foolish mistakes out on that baby. Smh When engaging in "me time" exceeds "mommy & child" time. There is a problem.
There should really be a conception function that must be implanted in a person before having the ability to birth a child. It PISSES ME OFF. When two selfish, thoughtless individuals have a child/children and refuse to take THE FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF PARENTING

Now normally I don't write such aggressive post targeting a specific group of people. But this is something I really don't care who disagrees with, wrong is wrong NO EXCUSE. Anything less than facing reality and realizing you are wrong. IS A EXCUSE in my eyes. Point blank period #get yo life.

10-22-12

Struggle to change

Why doesn't being loved come easy for me...

My own work

Although this pic is generating online. Im the author & creator :)

New title

Slowly

I have slowly come to grips with reality...

I'm slowly inching to acceptance

I have yet to rapidly agree with the chance

Who cares whats lost but only what's gained will matter...

So I'm slow to achieve, just reflecting on what came so easy.

Slowly moving with speed

I have stayed away!!

I have vanished because the love I once held or knew has gone. Drifted from the sea of forever. I hurt/ I pain/ I shall never be the same

I hate myself

I was asked to be strong... & I failed! Nothing last for ever
As the tears burn the back of my lids.
The memories pour through the vessels of my heart.
How could I forget you?
I can't
I pain through the fear of living without you! Shelters my soul from the agony of what emptiness feels like.

Crying

Self-impressed

Today has shown me! That life is surrounded by impressing others. Well tonight I'm taking a break!! Phone off.. Self-impressing tonight! Cause I'm hardly being impressed. Longing for the day, the questions that are asked to me are actually concerning what I want, need or feel.... So done tonight. I can't bare it NOT TONIGHT. GOOD NIGHT WORLD!! 😍

Numb to the storm in paradise

I'm feeling like... Should I really trust in something that doesn't trust fully in me. I was a little taken by a question from my siblings. "how come bro didn't call & tell me happy birthday" I didn't have a politically correct answer. I only shrugged & walked away!

When you love, you love whole! You love everyone who comes with the territory! I understand that. So not for me but for he. I acknowledge all those who you love dearly!but in return I'm only to be challenged. It's not for self pride, but for me. To acknowledge them is to acknowledge me. If you can't see them, then you have long looked beyond me. 😔 I feared the truth but over the course of time. It's stands to never lie or change.

Storm in paradise

Space

Blocks

Funny how your feelings go from one extreme to the next!

Then .... I thought about something key to why!
1- I was blocked me from all social network accounts 👀! Whatever but it's more so why it was done!! Everything im bring blocked from seeing ✨✨NEWS FLASH✨✨ I already know!! Hahahaha

I'm a believer that once a person brings bad energy to your life. It's well over their time.

Preparing

Tonight is a rather difficult night of preparing. I say this because tomorrow morning I will be sitting in the courtroom with the very person who so selflessly took the life of one of my dear friends. It's been just slightly over a year and the thought of her murder still hunts me. I try to keep only positive memories a float in my head. Causing me to shed several tears at the thought that those are the only memories I will EVER be left with. I have pondered in my head all day.
How am I gonna feel once I lay my eyes on him?
What emotions will fill my heart?

I pray that GOD would release any emotions of hate that might be swarming to unleash tomorrow! Because ultimately it is not I, her mom, family or even her precious son who he will finally answer to. NO!!! It is larger than that! Not even the Riverside county court judge will be that powerful. It will be the greatest, grandest & most superior judge that will be waiting patiently for that trial. And he will have to account for everything.
Preparing for this has not been easy! I have really replayed or shall I say pre- predicted the timeline.

So all I can do tonight! Is PRAY! Pray GOD holds the entire world as we all who loves her prepare ourselves. Pray there is no ounce of hater being cooked up! Pray God comforts & consoles each and every heart.

Sky high

Lifted above the limitations of my fears
Speaking as the despair of faith fills my vessels.
Romancing the idea of stability in its simplest form.
Risking the distance beyond the sights of temptation
How you elevate yourself to capture peace.

One word: GOD

Forgetful words

What happen to these words!
What happen to the meaning
It wasn't the song! No it wasn't
It was everything beyond the song.
In case you forgot! Play it again.
But this time block out the song.
It's the lyrics! The words..
THE WORDS-- the words--the words THE words jay!!
Think about each line! IT'S the words. What do you value. I have cried
It's the words jay- It's the words

Under going

Emotional awareness o

The truth of the dream

Woke up from my dream & realized the thoughts I have posed within this cloudy depiction of a reality was truly my living nightmare.

Didn't know until I.....

Simple but true..

Living in a fantasy, gives you expectations not hope. I gives you false illusions instead of realistic goals.

Having faith is different than a fantasy!
Faith gives you power. Faith gives you the confirmation that you can do all things.

Stand on faith not on fantasy.

Living a poor life with a rich tongue

Startled by hope, depressed by happiness seems to shadow my faith. I step out of joy into a river of sorrow to hide the tears from the fear of despair. Speaking only to those who battle again me, running from those who care. I have no face. I see only the darkest field of the summer days! I feel no pain, only the touch of the blades of success. I hear only the mutes. Tell me again! I retain no visibility.

Journey of many ways

I may have had just another off day! But it seemed a little different today. I showed my more faceless acts of emotion today. Taking the thoughts, thinking them out & moving on! Turned out that once I really let go of the ill feelings. It was righltbefore me, that I smiled.

The rain & the missing love

Cracked the window before the lids of the eyes close. Hearing the sounds of refreshing water which might wash the pain to ease. The fear of the thunder barely escapes being less than the fear of the pain never going away. So lay lay... Rest the cells among the pillow seams... Let the ear drum allow the sound of rain refreshen and ease the worried loveless soul....

Good night world

I bruise easily

Natasha bedingfield "I bruise easily" has been added to the soundtrack of my life. If you had 16tracks to sum up Your life in a soundtrack for the world to listen to, what would they be?
Mine:

1. Alicia keys- diary
2. Jasmine Sullivan- lions, tigers & bears
3. Wale- illest bitch
4. Aaliyah- I miss you
5. Lyfe- Must be nice
6. Natasha bedingfield- I bruise easily
7. Micheal Jackson- if heaven
8. Maxwell- fist full of tears
9. Incognito- shade of blue
10. Kelly sweets- ready for love
11. Marsha ambrosius- chasing clouds
12. Mariah Carey- angel
13. Mary J Blidge- Mr wrong
14. Jay Z- song Cry
14. Kelly Rowland- still in love with my ex
15.lifehouse- you and me
16 rascal flats- what hurts the most

Only 16. :( I need more
Play time. I have so so so many more

Crying for a shoulder

Today was such a emotional one. Exactly one year ago. I lost a friend of mine to a heartless crime. I pray for her peace above. Lord has shown me, that time heals but to get to that place it takes faith and patiences. I lay at night & cry alone. Life is so so so short, who really has time for waiting for someone else? We don't? Sometimes life will show you that its time for us to pony up and play the part. Gather your strength, your faith & pride. Depend on yourself cause pain is ONLY felt by the one who is hurt. And no matter how hard we want to take that from another, truth is WE CANT.
So if you love, love hard or don't love at all. Point blank!!!

Risking it all

As I ask myself for the things i am willing to risk. At what cause are you willing to risk it all. It doesn't find me at a lost of words, just a limitation on my wager of what to say.

Mistakes I've made

I have made a mistake. It cost me my pride and re-opened the most painful cut.... But as I prepare to gear-up for damage control. I ask myself! How much did I really gain from giving in. What did I relinquish in the end?

Praying for the abolishment of solitude, in hopes of reconciliation got the best of me.

So I'm again. 2 steps behind where I have peaked. I am 2 steps further from peace and fulfillment. I am two breaks of the heart away from being whole again.

I subjected myself to being honest in my feelings for the comforting sound of the tone in the voice that always seemed to sooth & calm my spirit. All feelings that I have to brace to forget in order to gain control.

I made a mistake & I'm reluctant to saying I am at all proud of it...,.

.......

This is what got me tonight

Splice

Separate
Play &
Love
Increase
Continuous
Excellence

It's gets so hard

Sometimes I miss him so much! I wonder when the thoughts will disappear. But those are the times I have to force my mind to take back control from my heart 
Why doesn't the heart come with a manual? At least then I could read on how to stop it from feeling so much.

When family loves one another. They make sure to make an effort to care about the well being of the ones. So why is it that when couples part ways do they find it convenient to turn away and never look back. I'm guilt of this. But why! You go on for months & years about loving this person! But once you break up! It's as if they vanish off this earth. It's like their well being is no longer a concern. GOD doesn't tell us, that he loves us or cares about us ONLY when were doing everything right! NO he loves us unconditionally. Right/wrong sin/saint we are given his love, guidance, & favor. So, with this mentality. Why am I still guilty of this?

On the highest level...

Good afternoon loves....
I can't even beginning to explain how intense and busy my world has been over these several weeks! I am determine to stay extremely occupied with the things that will assist me in achieve that desired level of success.

One thing that brought the biggest smile to my face this afternoon was a comment that was made to me. I was told that I have one of the purest, thoughtful, genuine heart & soul for a person my age...
I have considered this.. One of the highest level compliments I have ever received.

Well off to a sea of homework... Writing is my passion so like everything one loves, I can't stay away too long....

Good night!

First & last steps

Sometimes the first and last step between
love & hate
Happy & sad
Joy & pain
Forgiveness & regret

Is communication

Simple email, phone call or text goes further than you know!!!

Go the extra mile....

There comes a point in a persons life. You know exactly who your dealing with. You know exactly what to say to make others around you happy/sad/smile/ laugh or cry!!!
You know their character!
You notice the little things. Or the fact that they have a hard time talkin about a problem or how their feelings.
You know that it's going to take you swallowing your pride and force feeding them to discuss their feelings.

You know that sometimes you have to put how your feeling aside to understanding the well being of another.

Long story short... You have to go the extra mile... While leaving your behind!!

Crying my eyes out

Crying my eyes out tonight. Because once in a while the pain shocks me and has me feeling like I'm not going to make it! But I refuse to turn around and head back. When you seriously loves someone & you truly get your heart broken, then you know their is no compromise. ITS HURTS LIKE HELL. And it's not so much the actual pain, but the memories, promises, the coulda woulda shouldas, the thought that every minute you spent loving & planning is all gone to waste.
Last night when meddling in my glass of wine & music! I decided to sum all my feelings up in a text that I refused to send, because hitting send would be that first step backwards. I knew I had something in my heart I wanted to say! But pride gets the best of me. And no matter how hurt I am or how bad someone has hurt me. I always caution their feelings. Why?? Because I'm a idiot. When at the end of the day, they probably give less than a damn about mine. So this text I didn't not send. And it read:
For 2-1/2 years never doubted u loved me. Until the day I did & that's the day my heart shattered. Hope your happy! Enjoy your freedom :)

The statement was every single thing I was feeling. How could you sit around fine? So fine that you talking to other chicks, making moves, spitting game, sharing compliments. WTF... I get so pissed off. Really??? Your over it already??? Well that's cool! Maybe I'm the idiot! Restricting my life! Still trying to maintain a level of respect for what we had and not even entertain others!

So I prayed tonight! Asking for strength & a calm spirit. Because lord knows I'm tired. I dont wanna be occupied with these thoughts anymore. How do you trust to give someone your heart & leave the option for them to break it in their hands  i guess u really cant.

Vow to never break a promise

I have vowed to myself that
I will live for myself.
I will live to smile at whatever the cost.
I will not sale myself short.
I will strive to reach all my goals
No matter how small or large.
Life comes around once.
I will ask for forgiveness when I'm wrong.
I will give mercy when I'm right.
I will let old wounds heal & not cater to them as new
I will dream of a future and reminisces of the past but live in the moment.

Returning

Well.. Hello loves!

Recently. I have been utilizing my blog. But with the depth of the information, I have been keeping my post private.
So so so so sorry!

But I'm back.. =}