~when yout thoughts arent enough~~

When wishing you had the world is just not enough to make you believe you have the world. When asking for something more out of life is not giving you more. If only i had the special person to share my hopes dreams and wishes with, then just maybe then i could feel like im getting somewhere. When will it happen for me. I dont wanna look anywhere for the things im missing. But when the world around you is enjoying the benefits and your still not...whats left to do??

~~The way that i loved you~~

The way that i loved you!

The way that i loved you! Well, i just have to vent for a minute. Something is buggin me like crazy! a few months ago, November 24 to be exact. i decided that a year and 8months waiting for someone to love me back needed to stop. Way over due, yes i know. But my heart is one that is delicate and soft! i try to see the best in any and everything i do or who i come in contact with. Its just now that i feeling ill feelings to all my efforts and time that i wasted in trying to care for someone and they total betray me. And finding out that a friend i trusted take place in this. After all he did i stuck it out, but this was the bomb to a deadly situation. I still cant believe in 2007 I had to leave behind 2 people who filled my life in 2007. That was the most hurtful part. Still i cant bring myself to address either party. I guess it's the best for both me and them that i don't. apart of me wants to know is this something that i truly deserved, does this all come from that big mistake i made in my life years ago, when i had the chance to be loved and treated like a queen. and i messed it up with a stupid little LIE, that done so much damage. Did i deserve such a defeat. Or is this just a major slap of reality of how harsh the world truly is and is a building stone to help me in the future to appreciate and KNOW a GOOD thing when it does come my way. I just don't understand after giving my all and when i had gave it all I still gave extra. Why? in the end I'm still not appreciated. Sure he may miss me. which is clear after all the calls a month into me not wanting to continue to hurt. Wow how much did he really care about me. I still haven't brought myself to answer the phone to any call that comes to my phone from him, but still something in my heart wants to know How could someone be so harsh to someone who gave so much. Dude, its hard to grasp the fact that i just wasn't enough to stop him from lying, cheating, and straight screwing up my life, with a smile on his face. DO i just keep on my current path of saying screw it and not bother, or so i actually pick up and attempt to get an answer. For the course of this whole thing. I pray almost everyday that i don't begin to hold hate in my heart. I don't want to be that girl who cant find herself being involved again because of fear. I have said it several time and I'm going to continue to say it, because it what i believe. I think my purpose in life is to care for others and love with all my heart. i try to be the very best person i can be. I give, i try to bless, i try to comfort, i try to be everything to everybody. this is what i do and love. So i promised myself to leave the ones who hurt me in 2007 including friendships and love relationships. i just have to clear my soul to keep my path clear of any negative.

~~Finding yourself in a New Place~~

Finding yourself in a new place is so hard. You have to introduce everything you have ever been or ever stood for to new people in hopes that they will accept you. People have to now learn the ways of your mind and soul. It is the hardest thing that you will ever have to. Introduce your self to people who come from many different ways of thinking and living. Do they understand you? It seems so much easier for you to go back to those who already know you who already accept you and Love everything about you. I wanna run back home to those who care for me and who see the real me. they know my flaws and all! i wanna run back to my boys in the valley who will give the shirt off their back to make me feel comfortable. I wanna be in that spot light again of the girl who Just fits in. No one really knows why, I just do. I wanna run back to my girls, who no matter what has accept me, who would be my stand ground when i needed them. Who has always included me in any and everything they do. I felt needed. I wanna run back to my family, who like some many other families have MAJOR issues. lol when I'm around them i wanna scream , shout, run and hide. but they too accept me and understand me. Damn, I wanna be understood, i wanna be known, i wanna be wanted, i wanna be understood. When you enter a new world and you know the struggles you face, you get nerves. You loose yourself in the mix of trying to be accepted. Why cant i just run. Run back home to my comfort zone. To a place where i feel OK! i know there things aren't perfect, but they are familiar. We show are skin and when we feel a chill or a wave of heat them your quick to cover up! does this make you weak. does it make you feel any less than an adult than the next person who isn't afraid. I maybe lost, scared, worried and stressed, but really all i wanna be is Understood.