Daddy's little girl

So I decide that tonight as a additional notch in my spiritual challenge, I actually challenge myself. Touch on something that have never publicly talked about or opened up about. But as a woman who will be soon moving into another stage of my life. I think I'm ready & it's something I will address once. 

I want to talk about my relationship with my father. Not the dad who raised me in which society will call my step father, but I want to talk about my biological father. 

My relationship with him has been far from perfect. I struggled growing up as a young woman really wanting him in my life. I don't know if it was the fact that I wanted to be able to say I had the bond with him or if I was really in love with the idea that I mattered. But for some reason, I never got it. I grew up being independent because my mother raised me that way, so I relied very little on others but inside I knew I was suffering.

It was something I had to hide in side and in my heart. I thought about what it was I could do or what I wasn't doing to keep my father in my life. Much of the time he spent in and out of prison. And the moments he wasn't I rarely heard from him. I don't really associate too many feelings of anger with my absent relationship of my father. But hurt was a feeling I couldn't escape. I remember picking up the phone every time it rang with the anticipation and hope that his voice would be on the other end. I would secretly cry any private time I got. I didn't want to seem ungrateful to my parents but I really wished I had a father - daughter relationship with the man who shared my DNA. ...... 

This is really a difficult entry to write. Part 2 soon to follow.